to you, friend.

 

I don’t know if we are still talking at this point of the time.

If we stopped, maybe we have our own individual reasons.

But if we are still conversing with each other then I want you to know that you make me happy as a friend.

Some things had changed between us, and we can’t deny it.

There some things we wish we could say but we couldn’t.

And there are things we don’t want to say because we simply don’t want to hurt ourselves twice.

I always worry about this uncertainty—it is probably just me because I’m too emotional—that you are going to slip at any moment. That one day, this friendship between us will just stop for no reason; because maybe we got tired of trying, or one just do not feel the same anymore.

I agreed to friendship. But I try to treat you as only that as much as I can. But some nights, I remember things too much. A part of me is already familiar with your touch, words, mind, and you. To translate it into friendship is such a strange feeling.

But enough of the drama, nobody wants that. The nights we have spent together were perfect—well, at least for me—with you it is still different. I am different with you in such a good way that sometimes it feels so unreal.

When I asked about the intimacy part, it is not because I think it is the only thing you want but because I know you as a whole, and you aren’t that kind of a man.

Your heart is so soft, and you are well-raised. I asked because I did it with such indescribable feelings, not just with pleasure and it confused me to think that for you it was nothing. I was too afraid to ask, because I already know the answer.

This has been our longest interaction in a while and again, even though if we aren’t talking, or if we are still, I’m grateful for whatever it is that we momentarily had. This friendship was not like any other ones.

And I am scared of the future as much as you are. But we will get there some day. The now and tomorrow is already a future so we should work on that. The next minute, hours, days, weeks are already a part of the future and everything will turn out okay.

It was blissful. We practiced our kisses way too much and it was worth remembering.

Friends.

I figured ex lovers can’t be friends. For me, but it is different for you. Maybe it was perfectly okay with you, I know you have gotten over the past.

I asked you when we were in your dorm if it was a good thing that we broke up, and you responded with a large ‘Yes’ and a small ‘No.’ Then, it became clear to me that I should consider that as that. Some nights, I would lie in my bed and feel a slight pang of pain directly into my heart, and it was still you. I sound ridiculous.

I should start dating, you think? Maybe that’s what helped you feel better. And someone I potentially like fortunately thinks of the same way and maybe it could result to a date. I don’t know but I’ll give it a try. And see If I fall and love differently.

But you are better than him. A hundred percent way better. But settling for less is maybe what I deserve.

And that girl you like, she likes you too. You definitely should try.

We could have worked, you know? If one of us would just try and fight, and know what we want and be sure of what we feel. You know that you could always come back, you know that. But both of us walked away.

that time of the year

The book has been closed for a year but the chapters and ripped pages still haunt me. There were certain scenarios of you walking beside me clothed in white shirt, hair cleanly cut, facing towards north (towards my home) as you nonchalantly stare at where we were heading; I took a photograph of that moment in my memory; filtered with sunlight drifted away slowly as it pulled out its last heat on the side of your face and the gentle tones of orange and purple combined on the surface of your skin; even when the lights are off or when the sun is out; it forever remained in there; locked in my memory.

Things remind me of you: the trees that hide me from extreme weather brought me back to that time where we climbed a short tree and randomly carved our names; now dissolved and cut down, the crooked stairs where you once caressed and carried me. You lit a match inside me, it burns and hurts but it was a bearable pain.

There were places and landmarks where we used to lay our eyes on, such chairs and views we have seen together, the conversations that we had and fights that I still and couldn’t remember. The idea of ‘you’ will be with me for a very long period of time, ages and ages.

The act of intoxication; study table that turned into bars filled with shots amounting to nothing. Nothing. Just adding headaches to our heartbreak due to hangovers. We did things to soothe and lessen the echo of the past. We desired to enter the ‘commitment club’. That every time we tried and risked, it was always the wrong person that comes out. A boy talking to me, rather flirting with me still does not have that same effect as you. A girl that you liked so much, you tried to lessen the walls and weight in your back and took a chance, you tried to flirt with her but still, it leaves an unfamiliar space inside of you that you cannot seem to fill. We both suffered like handicapped and disabled being. I know you want to be found and I am just as lost.

You will see the woman of your dreams, that woman you have thought of since you were a child. We will in time, meet ours and it will replace everything that has hurt us.

It is alright.. that you don’t miss me, look for me or that you no longer wait. Maybe we weren’t meant to live together. Maybe you were meant for something which I am not a part of; some life where ‘I’ does not exist.

I never wanted to hide behind that bathroom when you heard your mother approaching with your little sister, nor I should have declined that call coming from her when she discovered we have a thing. We were blessed with so much hate that the struggles we overcame, the problems and silences, the weeks and months of sinful actions we had committed, the trials and fights and a world where it was just us against the earth tearing us apart; all of those were worth it and I am grateful that you became a part of it as I have become a part of yours.

There were some regrets. 1.) you should have met my parent a long time ago 2.) that space on the corner of my bed (where you used to hide) was never for you; that space in my mother’s heart was where you should have belonged. I am sorry for the g a p s and s p a c e s that I failed to fill.

After a year of absence in each other’s life, it still leaves me with ‘an unprepared life to start anew with another human being’. I think I am not ready for that yet, maybe when I get wiser and stronger and when the timing is right I will find that. I could not look at the world without thinking that I have felt everything, that I could not spare a piece of my life to another with that kind of intensity I have once poured on you–I know it because your face still appears in my head. I promise to start with a clean and blank memory and fill those with my future self with that future person. I never thought marriage would be a part of my dream; I never thought of kids but now I think I do. And I know you do too, all the plans that we have made (Santorini, Greece, Bora Bora haha) will soon be replaced with another place made with another person. As much as we want to have it together, seem like our feet have gone cold, we couldn’t seem to reach one  another; you from a different side, me in a strange place.

The process of life (I guess) is to experience it first with the best person in the whole world (you) and feel all the electrical neurons and scientific causes of touch and pleasure, the effect of words narrated by your voice ringing in my ear, or the language that we speak using our hands or eyes, everything and everything; to the newly discovered earth, mars or Kepler and back, all those cheesy things and all the disgusting stuff we did together (in bed) were something I could not feel again. It was eternally different with you, my greatest love.

The year has come, we need some growing up to do yet I know that we matured in special ways apart. Seems to me like I am watching you from a faraway and distant universe filled with planets that block us, perpetual space that separates us, countless and ad infinitum stars distracting us. There you are, breathing and living and here I am, doing the same thing… only apart. Live well, Love better.

Was it all on me? Or Was it on you?

Both.

I felt terrible.

You felt horrible.

I grieved.

You cried.

I waited.

You watched.

I halted.

You stopped.

 

I guess we are on the same side of the pole–We are diverging. 

I could not cease to think about it clearly; After wiping my eyes, the clouded reality has sunk in.

You were with me at the peak of my self while I watched you fall at your own life in the mid of last year’s september until november. You survived and our love was revived.

This year’s May and June were the lowest point of my own; Drowned in my destiny in the middle of an isolated place. I never want to cause you trouble; I was utterly helpless.

I think too hard and feel too much. It comes across to my consciousness about what is good and right. What I did was something right but doing what is right at the moment does not mean it will result to something good-doing what is right does not feel good. 

As I pushed you away, it was like I pushed my air away. It is the wanting that is more substantial than needing. I wanted you the most- I lost both when I lost only one. (you)

As I pushed you, you pushed me away, too. Instead, the memories pulled me back to where I ended and the remnants were pulling me to where we started. I kept on going back but you were away; I pushed and you ran away. I am powerless and I needed your force to draw me closer to what could have been beautiful. Space became a stop.

I let time disperse, let you, let you live your life. I waited for a hint, but there was none, only a hint of grief for you have lost me. Lost me, and you never found me. I found you in another me which is not me, a privelege I used to have was already in another’s hands. You were already chasing a new breed of love; instead of chasing me, you replaced me with something else; whether it was an entertainment for own’s pleasure or satisfaction or rather, fear of not feeling anything. A momentarily decision had brought us into where we are right now and lead me to what I know now-I discovered you were comfortably in love with me, but not as deeply as to wait, and to contemplate rationally, to chase and to act for what its worth. My worth to you might be empty enough to let me subside. I gently let you go, shortly to remind you of how messed up I am to let you disperse. It was not bravery that I did, it was fear and weakness. Fear of distance, what could have you done? It was done instantly after I bid my farewell-it was the fear of being cheated on-whether the case might be light or not. My weakness on my incapability of being the woman your mother would like to meet- a doubt to our shared life. I was insecure when I unraveled your desires, body and the ability of making you happy- I could not spoil you, simply and complexly, I am not whole. I want to be whole for you. I was trying to prepare my life so I could return and kill my fears. I subconsciously needed your help, you to stay, despite of the troubles I have caused but I consciously shove you away and you accepted it, trying to understand the complexity of my being, soon you disappeared like puff in the air.

I smoked what was offered to me carelessly but I remained at my lowest. You spend nights of pleasurable things, staying at your highest.

I was broken and I assumed you were not likely to fancy the worst side. And you were broken as much when I released you. I strongly knew what was bound to happen. And that thing is happening, every morning I wake up feeling you move a little farther, detaching from me, months will pass, in less than a year, you will be new. As time passes, the reasons build up that makes me certain of what might be […] and that makes you certain of what is here at the moment.

It was kind of ironic to imagine myself thinking of it. There were comedians having a conversation inside my head, probably laughing at me.

My body has gone to places and the reminder of your absence is shadowing my existence.

I go to wherever there is a moment of void, just myself sitting with my thoughts, but the same thing happens. I look at the left side, and you are there, slouching with your hands wrapped around my thoughts.

I went for a walk on a path with no directions, it lead me to the same dark place, and I see you, I see you in the blackness of this room.

I clench my jaw and close my hands every time the thought comes in.

What is it? What is that foolish thought?

It is this; It is whenever I wander around or stay in a quiet place, silencing my day; letting the sun rays pierce through my dry skin, I’m subconsciously feeling the want to see you walking in with another breathing heart. As I sit there, I can see you standing on a distance doing a tight grip on her soft hands. Boy, you must have suffered much on a woman with unbearably rough hands.

I can imagine how satisfyingly happy you are by the time you take off her fitted dress, that is when you will feel unsure of the mixed taste of a newly opened book and shortly reminisce on the smell of that old book you used to read. You will forget it anyway, you are used to this new life, free, and the state of bliss that you will get from having your love being reborn is slightly perfect, you think. And to see you will relieve me, for you must have been disgusted by my unpredictable farewell, and hated me for what I have left unknown. It is like a good book with an unfinished ending that the author is unsure whether the next book would make sense or rather just leave the pages blank because she was unable to write another one.

She will come.

I will see her as the light behind the shadows of your bitter past.

I tried to pull the ropes back, subtly and discreetly, but you raised your red flag and that was enough for me to stop the desperation of putting much energy on pulling you and start pushing forward instead. The ropes you were holding must have fled somewhere worth living for. I did try; subtly and discreetly but I was late. That time is an illusion and everything is systematically driven by it, believing always that it controls us, including you, for your feelings must have already faded and soon, it might vanish. It was funny to me, your words so raw; I remember every sentence that exited your mouth, ink that your pen released and feelings you thought would not decay, and it is clear that you can not wait that long. That people chase after the good which is more comfortable, satisfying and pleasurable.

My apologies for writing again for it was so evident to my previous published works that I would not write again. But it was impossible to ignore it.

I will endlessly feel you, and incessantly think of you, for the life I have is not mine, part of me was already yours, eternally.

You deflowered the most essential part of my existence, the peak of our life and it marked our being; I would not change anything about that night we first and last did it.

Nights like these are making me crave to feel some things the second time, desperately hoping it would arrive to a certain point where we can do it again. Some nights I lie in bed, thinking how must have it felt to continue what was known and feelings are gushing with things that I still want to feel from you.

I do not want to bother you anymore with my writings, I apologize, may you find what you ultimately desire. It does not include me anymore, I know, but go for it, love, just go.

 

I could not stop my fingers from pressing these letters.

You never knew what is ‘what‘ and what fills the question ‘why‘.

Never let your next woman be like me.

A woman who never heard a whisper of compliment face to face. Only, she sees a limited description posted on Instagram and Twitter that she is beautiful.

Never let social media speak for a beauty that she is.

A woman who is unhappy with herself. Who have sides and the worst side is when it is dark and alone in her room. No one asked if she was fine, only asked when she’s cold.

A woman who feels like she is being hidden, that everyone knows her and her man but never had an official announcement of love due to uncertainty of approval and so they hush in the world of silence and comfort against the odds that penetrates them.

A woman who was saddened once by unsatisfaction because she was such a bore and quite odd. Not like any woman you see around wearing this and that that society acquires; she understood the possible reason why.

A hit of an apology was given but never a clear understanding why and what is not ‘enough’.

A woman who lives alone in a home where she and her man had built together.

*

Summer time, she was in a heightened state of confusion and fusion of pressure and that’s when everything got piled up in a heap of madness and pain and every reason was unjust so this time, this woman evacuated for awhile. Tried to visit and she would silently knock in front of his home but the door is now locked and freezing.

Do not tell tomorrow and the day after tomorrow that the parting was because we were young and that we were incapable of making right decisions.

 

**

I speak your name to every people I meet.

There was this boy, a great man who loved me so purely and beauty was everywhere lingering on our skin. A man who was very gentle and the side he showed to me was different from any other and that was the best side. I may not have seen him had fun with me like how he enjoys his drinks with his friends, but the kind of fun we had together was a happiness shared only by two people in love. A man who never showed a bad side and even when madness arise, he creates this controlled space; he exactly knows when to return. A man who took me to places and paces we had endured and explored with our hands and life intertwined. I told myself to these people how this man changed and shaped me, and they knew how deep whatever it is that we had just by looking at my eyes, just by the tone of my voice everytime I speak your name.

“I would be willing to be like this woman again, to repeat what we had. We had that I ended with three dots.” I professed.

I blamed myself, my appearance and existence. I isolated myself more than anyone else. I never talked to anyone for months; life instantly became meaningless. I ceased to grow as if everything has stopped in motion. I suffered and tried to endure the tormenting pain. I knew a year would not come; truth became an option.

If I go, there’s no trace I will leave

If I go, there’s no pace back to you

That is why, tell me, If I should stay..

Or maybe, you already fled some place where ‘I’ does not exist.
That last message was a spoonful of feelings;
A message I would never write again.
A request I would never send again.

This is the only time, I want to whisper now, telling you that I’m moving to a different place.
This is the only time, I have waited for a return but never came; now, it is over, I have to learn how to survive and continue my normal existence without isolation and desolation.

I tried. We talked but a sign never appeared.

I left discreet traces but a calling never came.

__________  never came, I waited. I waited. Waiting dispersed into the air.

 

So long, Louis.

I shall see you somewhere where we belong.

We both know how deeply we loved each other
We both know how intensely we devoured each other

With my hands I touched you
With my heart I felt you

Certain situation led us into this
Certain reaction dragged us into this

For we know time might soon arrive
For we know time might never arrive

In that we love and learn to hate
In that we understand and learn to forgive

Let it exit your body
Let it exit your system

Terrifyingly tragic
Terrifyingly majestic

How destructively beautiful
How destructively painful

Months flew away like dust in the air.

It’s hard isn’t it?

to wake up without a vibration under my pillow, no silly voice records to hear; no photos to look at saying “hey look at this body” and thinking of it still makes me laugh, your not-so-funny jokes still tickle my bones. No messages like “am i going to see you today?” “how was sleep?”

Weeks ago, my mother bought me a phone. It’s the same model, only, I decided to choose black. Anyway, I went to the train station near you. I was thinking of you, remember that joke I made? about cereals? If you do, I was thinking to make it with you that day. To grab lunch with you because I was so desperate to see you and maybe, steal a hug, simple things. I tried to call you multiple times, you were not answering and I thought maybe you know it was my number, because you hung up. So, I just went home with another heavy feeling inside my chest. Why would I do that? I should not ruin your day with my uncertainty. I should not have done that, do you think? I felt unwanted.

I see that you are doing better than before. You have new people in your life, people I don’t know and some people that I still do remember. And If I could thank them, I would.

Some days, I wanted to show up and pull you back closer, ignite those resting flames again. But you are a fool to accept that, I am a coward for that. I can’t, why? you are doing better now. I can’t mess you up. You are alright now.

I am happy for what you are doing right now. How are you and her? do you have another chick? I should not mention this, probably you are enjoying school. Big thing out there, huh? Do everything you can. You are doing great.

Ask me.

Yes, my school is not that bad. It is pretty nice, you can tell just by observing the people studying there. It’s not what we used to think. I swear with my utmost sincerity that the environment is nice and students there are very intelligent and kind of intimidating. There are times where I imagine you standing outside beside the gate, waiting for me. But it’s not like that, is it? Do not worry about me.

P.S I hate mondays (math and 8 am classes don’t mix well)

I know. You can’t deny the fact that you like someone right now. Pretty girls are scattered there everywhere! Don’t think about me. Think about yourself! Funny because I think about you most of the time that sometimes thinking about you while in class could be the worst thing that could happen to me because I would literally burst out into tears and have to pour it out inside a cubicle where no one could see. It’s bad. Worse than you think and I’m not lying. But I like someone too, not the like-like, I like you more of course, but there’s this one guy, very cool guy but unfortunately and fortunately at the same time, he has a girl. It’s funny every time I think of it. But, no, hey, I’m just making you jealous. Too bad it doesn’t work anymore.

I miss you.

"I must have led you around in circles and hurt you deeply. In doing so, I have led myself around in circles and hurt myself just as deeply. If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. So please try not to hate me. Because if you were to do that, I would really go to pieces."

-Naoko's letter to Toru

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You were enough. Many times have I told you that you were more than enough.
Don’t give me away. Don’t let me. Please.
There are a lot of things I wanted to show you and know. Things I wanted to share with you. Like my mind and skin. Mostly, life.
I never stopped trying and crying. Every(ffff)day.
Most of the time, you are on my mind.

But, as much as I wanted to look back and return
There are barriers scattered along the path
Trapped.
The experimental girl, but I was the one who ended up being experimented.
She was everything you hated.
She does things you didn’t want me to do before.
And I don’t get why, why her?
Maybe because I don’t know her and
She was there for you, I wasn’t.
She has the quality that I don’t have.
She contain something I can’t generate.
She can make you happy. That’s it maybe.

If I interfere, uncertainty will remain.
That is the barrier.

The other one
I’m a disaster, if I walk back, I doubt if you’ll open the door.
I am ashamed. What a thing to think.
To damage someone so deeply.
To damage my life and include yours.
Which is more selfish?

You were everything I imagined you to be.
I wasn’t everything you Imagined me to be.

As much as I wanted you to be mine.
I can’t have you anymore, for I already did hurt you.
You won’t wait for me. I know that.
But It was all my fault. My fault.
And now, I am suffering. More than you could ever think of.
I am dying. Every day.
You were my life. Now that I don’t have it
I am dying. Every time.

I am weak.
Scared. Afraid.
Selfless and hurt.
Selfish.
I am weak.
I am indecisive.

I thought you deserved better because that’s what I felt.
That I wasn’t enough.
I thought, what is more selfish?
To keep someone you love so deeply and hide them to others who can make him and give him more
or Release him from your messed up life
More fucked up.
not in the sense of vices.
More fucked up in the sense of losing you.
More fucked up for fucking up with my feelings including yours.
More fucked up for letting each other feel this way.
More fucked up for watching you walk away when I’m the one who left. And it hurts.
More fucked up for bad decisions.
More fucked up now that I can’t have you anymore although you said you would but I already created damage.
More fucked up in a sense that I love you more than the word created and I still do. Fucked up for life that I know this feeling won’t ever fade.